A Strategy for Making Interpersonal Conflict the Beneficial Experience it Can Be

"There must also be factions among you, so that those who are approved may become evident among you."   – I Corinthians 11:19

Step #1 – Enter the explicit presence of the God who forgives, and ask for his guidance.

Step #2 – Think about the differences::

• What character flaws of MINE are being exposed by this situation?
• What character flaws of THE OTHER PERSON are being exposed by this situation?
• How is the Holy Spirit speaking to me (to which I should be vulnerable)?
• How is the Accuser speaking to me (which I should reject via the Scriptures)?
• What's just messy humanity - that is, limits on the possibility of resolution due to social context, inability to have a healthy face-to-face discussion, unavailability of third parties that could assist, etc.?

Step #3 – More prayer.

Step #4 - Never fear legitimate anger or the appropriate ways in can be expressed. God made us with the possibility of legitimate anger - when appropriate personal boundaries are assaulted. Legitimate anger is often confused with its more dangerous corrupt cousin: a settled attitude of resentment, which is always wrong and destructive. Consider the possibility that the other person might have legitimate reason to be angry with you. If that is possible, you must come to that person with humility. If you feel you have legitimate reason for anger, then you do no good by minimizing that fact. Forgiveness is impossible until legitimate anger and/or a settled attitude of resentment are both dealt with redemptively. Do not attempt to move on until these issues are settled between your conscience and God.

Step #5 – Settle all issues of forgiveness, and if necessary, as it often is, seek wise counsel.

Step #6 – "As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people." Now is the time to have that uncomfortable conversation with the person, if it is possible. (Sometimes it is not possible, but don't simply run away from the very kind of experience that is essential to human maturity.)

Step #7 –Note previous experiences of interpersonal conflict. Identify recurring themes and issues.

Step #8 – Talk to God about resolution of this experience in your own secret (“inner”) life. God has the right to bring it back to your mind when it would be helpful to do so, but only God has that right.

Step #9 - File this record for future reference. It's invaluable to recognize recurring themes and issues.