Green with Duty

Evidently my mother is depressed, drained to the point of surrender by so many greedy children suckling at her once ample resources. She may even be near death, a terrifying prospect to any of us, her children, who have been so comforted by the constancy of her massive roundness.

I am speaking of course of my Mother Earth, as I prepare to celebrate Mothers Day - or as some call it, Earth Day - on April 22nd.

Why April 22nd, you may ask? Fortunately for you, I have researched the subject. First of all, April is National Anxiety Month. Secondly, the traditional time out of a mothers greatest anxiety is what we have labeled "the terrible twos," that time in her life when her children are two years old and have just enough humanity to begin to act audaciously, but not enough to know the reasons for pretending to care. Mother Earth's progeny - you and I - have never grown out of the terrible twos.

Why not just celebrate Mother Earth on the same day we celebrate all the other mothers, you ask? The answer to this question is shrouded in mystery, but I think it may have something to do with money going various ecological causes. Secondly, I am pretty sure that even P.E.T.A. types know that human mothers are a completely different species than planets.

So, on April 22nd, give the Earth a hug and a kiss, a nice little gift (nothing elaborate-a dainty green handkerchief will do, maybe with a little design on one corner; you know how much she likes that), and a quiet lunch in a vegetarian restaurant. And please don't make her pay. Give her breasts a rest.