How to be Cool on Facebook

I'm way too old to be cool, but I'm figuring out how to do cool status posts on FB. Let me practice:

-(Tedious, obvious, and posted more often than the poster realizes:) "It's the weekend. That means I don't have to work again until Monday! Yay!

-(Completely disconnected from most "friends" who might read it:) "You're so right, Filbert. The noodle sure fooled that silly mosquito!"

-(All profanity is cool:) "I just put on a clean shirt. WTF! It's inside f**king out! Now I'm going to get sh*t from my b*tch."

-(Subtle cry for help:) "I guess I'll just have to get used to chronic depression. LOL!"

-(Why I would be famous if only the right people noticed me:) "Check out these pictures of me after my makeover - playing my new digital banjo in an echo chamber!"

-(Presenting a cool persona by linking to someone else's song or video:) [link] "You've got to see this! It's by, for and about somebody else!"

-(Please notice that I'm in a relationship:) [pic] "Me and my honey - eating honey. BFF. See, I didn't deserve to me lonely."

-(Playing the shallow moral/political rivalry game:) "Check out these __________ (insert political party, religion, or other group that your "friends" dislike). They sure are ________ [choose one: stupid, ugly, corrupt]. Making fun of them proves our superiority."

-(Pretending to be friendly to generate income:) "Wish I didn't have to sell my _______ [fill in the blank], but at least I'm making the world a better place. I love people!"

-(More self-revealing than I realize:) "I don't care what they say. I love Weiner tweets!"

-(More self-revealing than I realize, Example 2:) [pic] "Here's me using my AK-47 for a bong!"