And another thing...

And another thing...

um...


Never mind. I forgot.

Status Report

Since the last time I posted, I have been asked the question four times, twice by the same person, the second time two days after the first.

Yeah, yeah, I can hear yuh sayin it: "Get over it, jerk!"

But something is wrong here, either with humanity or with me, or both. And I need to hang tough with my analysis. Anyway, when I was asked for the second time by the same person within two days, here's how the rest of the conversation went.

"I feel like a miserable, grotesque failure maggot. Thank you for asking."

"What?! That's not the answer I was expecting."

"Really, what answer were you expecting?"

"Well, I don't know... Usually...um..."

"Now, you feel a little nervous and anxious, right?"

"Yeah, just a little."

"And I'm the one who caused your discomfort, right?"

"Mmm Hmmm."

"And it doesn't help that I'm big and old and overweight and loud, does it?"

"Umm, no."

"Do you consider yourself an empowered woman?"

"HUH!?"

"See, I'm just what I said I am."

***

Okay, so I'm not generally likeable, I admit it. But I ask the question again: Isn't it possible that some unlikeable people are on earth to stir us up a bit and make us reconsider things we take for granted? Isn't that what makes some people unlikeable? Is always being able to take the same things for granted more important than *anything*? Is never having to feel uncomfortable more important than *anything*?

Why is it that just about everyone who, in the last 10 years, has said they were nervous around me, has been the same politically liberal adult females who, in other contexts, made such a big deal about how empowered they were?

Right. So now I'm a misogynist, right?

There goes that sexism in language again. There's a word for hating women - "misogyny" - but the equivalent word for men - "misanthropy" - means hatred for all human beings. I guess hating men is not a condition that requires being labeled.

***

You Know You're Ready to Move to the Seattle Area When, #1: You know you're ready to move to the Seattle area when you only like masculinity when it is exhibited my females, and femininity when it is exhibited by the U.S. military.

Fine, thanks. And how are you?

Fat and Happy

Yesterday, the question came from the girl behind the desk at my athletic club. "How are you today?" She was so bright and cheery and pretty and young and healthy and filled with hope and life. I don't think I was ever any two of those things at the same time, even thirty years ago, when I was approximately her age. (I'm quite sure I've *never* been pretty.)

My answer this time was "fat and happy," which usually produces a chuckle. I may be projecting my own self-negation, but I usually hear, included in that chuckle, the idea coming back at me, "That's for sure . . . although I'm not sure about the 'happy' part."

I forget why I started saying that - "fat and happy" - a long time ago. I'm almost never what you would really call "happy." I'm usually satisfied with "not pessimistic at the moment." But if I *was* feeling happy, as I said in an earlier entry to this blog, the question, "How are you today" would quickly wipe the smile off of my face, since I would immediately start analyzing my emotional condition and would no doubt find something wrong with it. Then I'd quickly get angry about shallow things that people say because they feel uncomfortable with a simple, "Hello."

Anyway, it's all called a "poor self-image" - which, at almost 50 years old, I definitely have to hide almost all the time because it is not acceptable.

Is a poor self-image really that bad a thing? Not at all, if the only alternative is to be deluded and arrogant and calling it self-confidence or "liking one's self." It never fails: whenever I hear someone say, "I like myself," it always seems like there's something uncomfortable that is being avoided.

Isn't it possible to like yourself and still be a dick?

Isn't it possible to have a poor self-image and yet be quite likeable?

The latter is certainly true. All of the people I have loved the most have been people that have had a habit of self-questioning, a habit that even got a bit morbid on occasion. And come to think of it, people who are always certain about their own rightness or value really do tend to create a lot of trouble for other people. Frustration if nothing else.

Here's a thought. Maybe we all, to some degree, have a poor self-image that we try, to some degree, to hide from by always being sure of ourself whenever we're in conflict with someone else? Sounds like a contradiction, but I think not.

I think I say "fat and happy" because, on some level, I'm trying to come to grips with the seeming contradiction - to be, as the psychologists say, "integrated." Maybe if you could hate yourself and love yourself at the same time, could sort of have a wedding and marry them and watch the couple live happily ever after, maybe that would be what Jesus meant by, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."

Or what Horace meant when he said (Epistles, I.iv.13), "If you want a good laugh, you will come and find me fat and sleek, in excellent condition, one of Epicurus' herd of pigs."

Or maybe you had to be there.

If you are integrated, you are probably less likely to overeat.

"Fine, thanks, and how are you?"

Today's Status

My intent with this blog site is to add to it every time someone asks me "How are you doing?" or "How are you?" or "How have you been?" or one of the other variations. It happened yesterday. I told the person to visit my website whenever s/he was really interested in a real answer to the question. Then we went on to have a significant half-hour conversation about more important things. In other words, my plan worked! So, to be true to my commitment to say how I'm doing:

-Very excited about the imminent publication of my book, Little Crucifixions.
-Very excited about the slightly less imminent release of my new music cd, "Love Goes On.
-Both to be available by the end of the year; I'm sure of it.
-Speaking of releases, go to Brianregan.com to see if his new comedy video is available yet. He is not only the funniest person who has ever lived; I believe there is something truly redemptive in his humor. You don't just laugh - you become more content with life. And that is no small service to mankind!
-"Mankind" - there it is. Will any reader of this blog ever read the word "mankind" and be " " " reminded " " " of what a sexist culture we live in? Sheesh! Can someone say "agenda addiction"? Try therapy.
-Someone told me that if pewpower.com gains any popularity at all, people will assume I'm behind it, and I'll never again be invited to speak at a church. Well, that is a danger, yes. But by the way, there are still plenty of churches out there that *really* *do* want to face the hard stuff.
-Right?
-I think I'm going to learn about locksmithing - in order to assist a great guy who works at that job locally.
-Emotions: I still cover the emotional geomorphology pretty completely in a given month. No change there. Eventually, you live so long on the earth that just about any regularly occuring sorrow is something of a comfort - just because it occurs regularly.
-Hey! Angela, Heather, Gabby, Jason, Fergus, Otis, Dani, Pat, Daniel, and all you others (you know who you are): I miss our togetherness. Anybody up for a reunion at the end of the year?
-I'm too fat and I hate myself for it; but evidently not enough to stop eating so much.
Okay now, bye bye then.